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the future terrifies me/I often wonder howmuch longer I must endure myself/I havechewed on this, steadily, without pause, and now my jaw is tired/cecilytoldme that her ex-partner tried to sell her for a line of cocaine/I’ve been sifting through ashes/I terrifymyself/I care but I show it in the wrong way/I’m awful, cecily, but I would pay any price/Ifonly I could endure happily, and not in this passive aggressive manner/I’m going grey/already I am going grey/I gaze into the mirror and the white hair gestures to me offensively/I’ve been sifting through ashes for too long/and all I have done is make my hands dirty/there was a story recently in the news of a girl who jumped off the balcony in a coffee shop/the call of the void/I don’t know if she died/but it’s not important/I endure nevertheless/she had asked for five pounds from her father, for a mocha, which had surprised him, because of the calories/kelly has a scar on her back/she won’t talk about it/she’ll letyoufuck her from behind onlyif you don’t ask about the scar/kellyis not for sale/although I would pay any price, for her and for the girl in the coffee shop/for cecily too of course/the coffee shop girl had anorexia/has it, maybe, I don’t know/the call of the word/I did not set out to write like this, but I am not capable of more/I don’t feel capable of this either/the void calls me/the french call it l’appel du vide/I often think about having the phrase tattooed on my neck/the more I covermyself in tattoos, the more my options diminish/it is only recently that I have realised that this is deliberate/I am sabotaging myself/I am painting myself into a corner/in Berlin I met erin/blonde, beautiful and broken jawed/at the end ofthe night wewalked out of the cocktailbar without paying for our drinks/my hands have turned grey/I’m frightened of spiders but I can no longer kill them/when I was younger I convinced myself that the way to deal with my fear was to hate, not to love/but now I can’t bear the brown smear, the twitching leg stuck to the wall/we went back to her place/she told me that this had been her plan from the beginning/if you weren’t awful, she said/I once wrote book reviews/butnow I sit in my room, cat-eyeing the dark corners of my life/letitia took an overdose/when she woke up in the hospital she begged her mother to let her die/the darkness swells and spreads/I’ve tried to read/watching her feet falling through the glass/erin was happy that she could give head again/when I was a child my hair was white/my father collapsed with kidney failure/he was in a coma for weeks/my mother called me when she found him covered in shit/she wanted me to come over and help clean him up/she was too embarrassed to have the ambulance people in the house while there was shit everywhere/she would rather, it seemed, my father have died/sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see kelly’s arched back/the twitching leg, the shit-covered sheets/my brother wrote the word fuck in dust on the coffee table/what I feel is terrifying/in Harajuku I collapsed/and ever since I have experienced a falling sensation in my head/falling, feet first, through the glass/I tell, and re-tell, these stories, because it’s the only way I can make my experience seem real/repeating these stories until they are tight and entertaining and believable/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been sifting through ashes for too long/and all I have done is make my hands dirty

 

 

I have been sifting through ashes for too long/and all I have done is make my hands dirty